It has been a few several years since we saw him. A few several years since we gave up searching for him. We know, everybody here knows he is alive, but no idea where. Some say he is in The Himalayas and some tell that he left the country, though he made a fortune out of nowhere, thats for sure and the anonymous demand drafts we receive every month prove their right purposes. My instincts tell me that he is happy somewhere, and that’s enough to soothe the worried thoughts of a mother. I can live with it. But Pushyaraag, I could feel his thoughts, worried and afraid. He thinks that he is the reason our son left us. Well he might be, but who am I to complain.’A woman’s heart a deep ocean filled with secrets’. And being a mother I have to bear everything. I could feel my husband weeping inside, regretting. What could I do? Even I feel like weeping with him, But that doesn’t really help. Someone has to be brave to consolidate the other and unfortunately that someone has to be ‘ME’. There was always something with our son which we could never understand. Those eyes where always eager for some or the other thing. Face filled with wisdom as if it knew everything. ‘Be careful with people who quietly listens and observes everyone’ and believe me he was one among them. A lonely Wolf waiting for that right moment. I never knew whether we made him like that or he was born that way. Whatever he did fled away from the fleet. Loneliness is like a drug, once You get used to it, it’s hard to get out of it. ‘Being alone has a power only a very few can handle’. It might be true. People like them hardly have many friends and are quite choosy. They hardly fall in love. Are hard to impress. They are always found searching for something, something precious and worthy. I could sense that till the last moment he left us. I always knew he couldn’t find what he was searching for among us. My husband Pushyaraag never knew what it was. It was out of his understanding. Well I do know that he isn’t coming back any sooner and I’m afraid that he might never return. I can handle that unless he stays alive and stays happy. If staying away from us keeps him happy then let it be. I only regret that I did never get any chance to tell him GOODBYE. All i hope is that its never a GOODBYE.
It had been ages since i had come here. A small pond beside the highway only a few kilometers from home. Our favorite spot for the weekends. I hadn’t been here since he left me. All those memories, all those beer bottles and joints. He brought me here the very first day we met. The day I knew he is the one. We sat there by the cliff over the pond that whole night and all I did was just look at him. There was something in his face, his eyes so attractive that you could hardly miss to notice. I remember every word he spoke, clear as the sound of a flowing river, soft as wind swirling in your ears. I could sense him noticing everything around, small or big, every little thing. may be that’s where he got all the wisdom from. ‘Being Mature is not when you talk about big things, it is when you can notice those little things all around you. Because its what that gives life a meaning’. I never understood relationships and love until I met him. I was in so much love with him that I couldn’t resist staying away from him. Those things about couples which looked very bizarre, things I always hated to look at, every thing came naturally when i get near him and I used love each and everything around him. I felt like hugging and kissing him all day long. Used to jump over his back, wrap my legs around him and suck his ear as long as i could. And every time he used to look me in the eye and just smile. Smile which could hold everything in the world locked right between those darkened lips. Yeah he used to smoke every night around, well i’m not complaining since i used to join him with one or two joints. He was an awesome cook. The dream of every girl and he was mine. I had more than I ever needed. But not him. He was searching for something which wasn’t in or around me. I could sense some hunger in his eyes which I failed to full fill. Though he always gave me enough, made enough love, cared as much as i desired, But he wasn’t complete. Only if I could know where he is so that I could get to him somehow and tell him about our baby. At least this baby might make him come back to me. I only found out a few days after he left that I was pregnant. Now its been several months and I’m still searching for him. Doctors told it would be a beautiful girl. A girl with his lips, eyes filled with wisdom. I couldn’t help myself keeping away from his last letter, the letter he wrote before leaving, the GOODBYE at the end. It didn’t break my heart though. He loved me and I know Love isn’t the reason that he has left me. He was searching for something which wasn’t around us, things which weren’t around his parents, things which were never around him. Somewhere deep in me I hope that he comes back, comes back to his daughter, a hope the GOODBYE on the letter won’t be his last GOODBYE to me…..
There he goes. The very first time I failed at something. I couldn’t help him find what he was looking for. I was 12 when I joined the monastery seeking few things which i couldn’t find in the normal life. Since then it has been many years and now I’m old, bent and people come to me seeking things. Some return satisfied and some end up staying with me in thought of serving me for what I have done to them. Well who am I to get served. But he was the first to return, his back towards me, so sure that he had to leave. We monks never get attached to others, not even to our dearest followers, but him I couldn’t let him go. I had to force him to stay for few days now. Who am I trying to stop a flowing river. First time I saw him in the monastery, he just wandered around. It was like as if a wolf was wandering around trying to find its pack. He came to me few months later. His company made me more social. I liked being around him. He was an awesome cook. Though we monks always ate simple food he had the power to add flavors even to that simple food. It was as if he was coloring each and everything around me, food, feelings, Life. I could notice the monastery changing. There something in its air, something which we all monks were afraid to accept. I knew he left him parents, left the woman he loved, the woman with his little girl in her. He didn’t tell me anything and he doesn’t have to. I get my perks of being an old aged monk, I get to know things, I get to know people. I got to know him. And eventually I got to know myself. I got to know who I was. After all these years I sometimes feel like leaving this place and I’m afraid some day I would do so. We both used to mediate together and sometimes all I could do is look at him mediate and find myself in him who lost his track and is stuck. I even thought of asking him to stay with me or at least until i Die but couldn’t get the courage out of me. And now there he goes. I stand here watching him leave waving GOODBYE and I have no idea to where, might go back to his Woman or parents. I would never know, I have lost it. He made me lose things, lose myself and I think I’m lost till death. All i could do now is gaze at him leaving me and wave him back his GOODBYE…..