Well i have been asleep for two days. It’s like i wake up sometimes, do a potty, drink whisky, eat if hungry and fall asleep again. It might be depression. Really funny, since i’m sooo old to fall into any kind of depression. What would be more depressing than death and as i have accepted it, well i have nothing to be afraid of but i am depressed. And damn it’s been raining again and i have to ‘let it go’ as i have no idea how many days i’m left with and i don’t wanna fall in love again.
It’s so weird that we have to let go of things in our life, let go of people we love, let go of our dreams and i let thing go to such an extent that i lost everything, everything that mattered the most. Always wanted to an artist, always like to paint, paint things, paint people, give life to things through paintings which are deprived of even their existence. Had to quit drawing classes at 24 as I had no time working in some lousy IT companies, writing codes, processing and finding an error and rewriting them all over again. Well I was successful and good at it, But wasn’t happy. Yeah as i said it earlier being successful has to do nothing with being happy. I was so desperate to quit I let go of the job and my parents and moved away. I panted a lot just to come to a conclusion that i wasn’t good at it, I was never good at it. It never worked out for me. And back to where i started and this time there was no one beside me, I was alone. Used to stand under heavy rain and cried like hell, I didn’t remember crying till then. Failure does make you weak, it makes life miserable. Well you need to fail in life, u need to fail harder. The more you fail, the less you fear for a change, less you fear to try out new things.
It was the same failure which made me let go of the girl who was in love. Yeah the same rainy day which i had mentioned earlier. I had no descent job, i sucked at things which i thought would bring me a fortune or at least make me happy. I had to let her go. I had to let her let me go. And after all these years all I wish is instead to letting go of things that really mattered, i must have had let go of my dreams. Keeping that IT job would have changed everything. My parents would have lived a bit longer, I would have married the woman I truly loved, had kids which i never regretted about. Well nothing matters now as I’m 75 years old.
Wow the whisky is really hitting me hard. The soothing comfort in your head you feel when you are high on alcohol but not too high to pass out, where everything plays in your head at a constant phase, you smile, u feel, u cry, u weep remembering everything, everything which really mattered, which never mattered, wow wish i could get whisky ever after death as I’m 75 and I just love Whisky.